I just want everyone to know that I don't try to be "politically correct". I'm not worried about offending or hurting feelings. I'm also not looking TO offend anybody or hurt their feelings...I just want people to laugh at the stuff I've found ridiculous over time. All too often we have to cover up for what we really want to say because it's not "PC". Isn't that cute how we assigned "Politically Correct" an acronym so the word SEEMS more important??? I don't know about you, but I don't want to walk around in my daily life having all the roads replaced with eggshells.
I think back to when I was a kid...I would mess something up and my Grandpa would say "Hey, idiot, get your shit together!" He wasn't worried about my "feelings"...he was preparing me for the real world. The only real world kids know now is the MTV show!
Due to the artificial laws of staying "PC" we can't call anybody an idiot anymore, we can't say the word "gay" as an adjective anymore, we can't say "that's retarded", we can't show tattoos in a work environment, and co-workers can't laugh at off-color jokes anymore. In fact, we can't have "color" involved in our vocabulary at all anymore. We can't say "black people, white people, Indians" anymore. Instead we have to say "Caucasians, African-Americas, and Native Americans". The white people are the only ones without "Americans" in our politically correct assigned title! We actually have the word "Asian" in our title. We're Caucasians...if you say it fast it actually sounds like "Caulk-Asian". Maybe that's the hidden meaning, we're just white Asians! When I grew up we played Cops & Robbers...now kids play Police Officer and innocent until proven guilty suspects!
I remember when the only pre-requisite to tell a black joke was to look both ways to make sure there weren't any black people in the immediate area. Now in order to tell an African-American joke we have to get a fucking letter of approval from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. And I'm not a racist, it's a fucking joke! You can make fun of me and shit on me all day long, it's a fucking joke! I don't pretend to get mad to uphold some fictional, bullshit view of being "PC". And I don't think that black people are so jaded that they expect everybody to hold back on "jokes". Black people have a great sense of humor as long as it's a joke. In fact, by us avoiding telling black jokes about them to them, that could be considered racist couldn't it? What, black people aren't good enough for a joke all of a sudden?
And I know there is a history and we have to be sensitive to the subject. I'm just saying everybody can take a step back and laugh without feeling like you have to be offended because of a made up phrase. Was their slavery, yes! Was it wrong, of course! Anybody involved in an act of degrading another human being the way that black people were once treated and handled should be hung by their nutsac and beat with a negro league Louisville Slugger until their bones become a bisque soup. But I don't think me making a "black people have huge penises" joke throws me into that category of bigotry. If we could learn to laugh with each other and at our own expense I think we'd all be a lot better off.
I think the mere suggestion of being "PC" is the only reason that anybody even remotely gives a shit to begin with. It seems that every time something is brought up in this country we have to exploit it. I have the same view on the "DARE" program at school. Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Keeping kids off of drugs is a good idea. But the more we exploit the issue and say "don't do it"...the more tempting it becomes. Look what Adam and Eve did with a fucking apple for crying out loud...can you imagine how tempted kids are with a joint after all those years of preaching! You wanna keep kids off drugs then stop bringing in rehabilitated people to give motivational seminars on how bad they used to be but were able to clean up their act. That doesn't solve anything, all that does is show kids "this is how much you can fuck up and still turn everything around"! You really want to help, bring in one of the city's finest...a cracked out Chicago street bum that huffs potpourri because it has the word "pot" in it. A guy who's spent the last 20-years on the streets peddling possessions for a fix and blowing dudes for directions to his next "score". Let him speak at an assembly...I don't know about you but the first time someone tells me that his hobby required him to spend his last Thanksgiving stuffing an butthole instead of a turkey...I'm thinking twice before filling out the sign-up forms.
The idea of being "PC" is made up - no need to carry it to the next level. Just try to be a good person and don't purposely offend people. If someone says that you offended them then apologize. If something really didn't offend you then don't act like it did because you think it could be offensive. This world is ridiculous -people just need to shut the fuck up and mind their own business. We have to constantly evaluate how we speak to cater to everyone else. What's next, anybody named Dick has to have their name legally changed to "Penis" because we don't want to offend others by having a slang name for a Penis as a birth name! If that's the case then we have to change Johnny, Harry, and Willie as well! Things are getting so bad that I just know one day I'm going to put on Nick at Nite only to find out there is a re-run of the Dick Van Lesbian show on TV now...sorry, the Penis Van Lesbian show!
VC is not PC
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Politically Defect
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Consumer Monopoly
Why does every bug in the Midwest have to die on my windshield? Now my windshield looks like a meth addicts face! And why do they sell regular washer fluid and washer fluid with "bug remover" added in? I'm getting sick of having to "one-up" everything to the next brand in this country. It can't be fair that they make a product charge a price and then make the same product way better for a slightly higher price! It's like paying $18 for a condom and then $20 for a condom without holes in it!? This has to violate the law of consumer-dick-in-ass! It's time we take a stand! Fuck this consumer monopoly! And fuck the higher priced monopoly with pink $50's!
Self-Checkout...I'm Out
I can't stand going to the grocery store now and seeing the "Self-Checkout" lines. There is no possible way that is saving ANY time for ANYBODY. How could somebody who at most checks out their own shit one time a week possibly be any faster or anymore accurate than somebody who does it everyday for their job?
This country is getting lazier and lazier. To really kick you in the nuts and twist the knife upwards...they have a big fatass employee sitting at the end watching everybody check out their own stuff and if the customer is having any problems the employee will come over, show them how to do it, and go back and sit down.
GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS OVER HERE AND DO THIS! I'm the employee, you're the customer, why the fuck am I bagging my groceries. What's next, you go in for an oil change and you have to climb under the car to do it while they give you the play by play instructions. What a lazy genius the person who thought of this is.
And to top it off, we have bathroom attendants now...I have to bag my own groceries at the supermarket because they overstocked on a piss attendant...that's fair!
I refuse to check out my own shit - as a matter of fact, the next time I buy 100 items I'm going through the 10 item or less line 10 fucking times in a row.
Nothing Comes Easy
Why is everything that is good for you in this life so hard to get, but everything bad is so easy???
You can find street drugs in any town within 3 degrees of the first person you ask and they sell to everybody. To get prescription drugs you need doctor's permission and insurance otherwise you can only afford the shit on the street! To sign up for a new cable plan or cell phone plan you can walk into a store and talk to somebody and you are ready to go before you leave. To cancel because you're spending money...to cancel these services you need 4 hours to kill on the phone (this is because your call is getting transferred overseas...press 2 for Spanish and you'll get a bilingual white person). And then it ends up costing you more money to cancel than what your monthly bill was!
To start smoking you need a $5 pack of cigarettes and a 99 cent lighter. To quit smoking you need $55 for a pack of gum! Then you start gaining weight, so now you have to eat healthy! Subway is supposed to be the healthiest fast food establishment....just out of curiosity, what is the only fast food establishment that consistently never has a drive-thru?
Looking for answers in all the wrong places!
You can find street drugs in any town within 3 degrees of the first person you ask and they sell to everybody. To get prescription drugs you need doctor's permission and insurance otherwise you can only afford the shit on the street! To sign up for a new cable plan or cell phone plan you can walk into a store and talk to somebody and you are ready to go before you leave. To cancel because you're spending money...to cancel these services you need 4 hours to kill on the phone (this is because your call is getting transferred overseas...press 2 for Spanish and you'll get a bilingual white person). And then it ends up costing you more money to cancel than what your monthly bill was!
To start smoking you need a $5 pack of cigarettes and a 99 cent lighter. To quit smoking you need $55 for a pack of gum! Then you start gaining weight, so now you have to eat healthy! Subway is supposed to be the healthiest fast food establishment....just out of curiosity, what is the only fast food establishment that consistently never has a drive-thru?
Looking for answers in all the wrong places!
Born Again Virgins
We actually have Born Again Virgins now - people that think that they can somehow undo what was "did". Born Again Virgins are just Whores that have come to their senses. I find it a ridiculous notion that just because you've come to a realization that you can completely change the past. You're supposed to do better going forward! Nobody is gonna baptize your box....it's a vagina not a bean bag....you can't just restuff it and sew it and have it be brand new! Sorry you weren't content with the past 18 encounters, but there is no "re-do"! Going forward you need to start checking credentials before you let just anyone work there!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Verdict on Jury Duty
Next on the shit-list for Sick, Twisted, and Tired of Being Fisted is Jury Duty! Here's my question: Why the FUCK does everybody qualify for Jury Duty? Doesn't that seem a little unfair to have your fate decided by a lottery of the general public? The GENERAL PUBLIC?!?! There's been times that I've requested a different person serve me my fuckin' fries...and now this dented-head is gonna decide if somebody else should fry???
I think a Jury Panel should be a regular working 9-5 job. They should screen applicants, interview them, make sure they are capable of human logic and understanding and pay them a yearly salary accordingly to be professional Jurors and listen to these cases each day. Do we really need the general public in on this? Who wants to go to jail because someone didn't check the pH level in their head before they left the house one day?!?
"I'm sorry your honor, but I don't feel its right that I'm getting 3 to 5 because Timothy Pygmy over here is 3 foot 5 and can't even see over the desk to make a fucking educated decision!
And I'm not saying I would be a good juror - I don't take the system seriously...I'd be terrible if I ever got picked! If I'm in a bad mood one day I'm not being objective...I'm being selective! Somebody is fuckin' going to jail for my personal opinions. YOU, the dick-bag that hit the old lady with his car at the grocery store, you're going to jail!!! Not because you hit the old lady, but because you went to the grocery store. You give all us lazy men in America a bad rap with our girlfriends because you do shit like go to the grocery store. Quit stepping it up and being motivated...you're making it harder on the rest of us. Now we all have to be compared to you because you tried to go above and beyond the call of duty. Maybe some time in jail doing NOTHING will be exactly what you need to start living up to your reputation in this society!
The whole thing is a scam and its waste of time and money. You have to drive, pay for parking, pay for gas, buy your own lunch, take a day off work...and at the end they give you a fucking $17 check. You think ANYBODY is going into this day with the right mind set? You think the people on trial are relieved knowing that they are at the mercy of a mid-week, mid-day American mindset? Aggravation like this is the reason that half these people are on trial anyway.
We are wasting our time filling the jails with victims of meaningless crimes. We should put these people to work as part of their sentence...get some use out of them! I'm pretty sure the roads could use a little touch-up work. These roads have more divots than a crystal meth addict's face! I can't be the only one that feels that for 4-dollars a gallon the roads should be made out of Angelina Jolie's vagina! Let's get these assholes out looking for oil in untapped areas....I know its got to be a lot cheaper to drill for oil than it is to bomb for it!
VC
I think a Jury Panel should be a regular working 9-5 job. They should screen applicants, interview them, make sure they are capable of human logic and understanding and pay them a yearly salary accordingly to be professional Jurors and listen to these cases each day. Do we really need the general public in on this? Who wants to go to jail because someone didn't check the pH level in their head before they left the house one day?!?
"I'm sorry your honor, but I don't feel its right that I'm getting 3 to 5 because Timothy Pygmy over here is 3 foot 5 and can't even see over the desk to make a fucking educated decision!
And I'm not saying I would be a good juror - I don't take the system seriously...I'd be terrible if I ever got picked! If I'm in a bad mood one day I'm not being objective...I'm being selective! Somebody is fuckin' going to jail for my personal opinions. YOU, the dick-bag that hit the old lady with his car at the grocery store, you're going to jail!!! Not because you hit the old lady, but because you went to the grocery store. You give all us lazy men in America a bad rap with our girlfriends because you do shit like go to the grocery store. Quit stepping it up and being motivated...you're making it harder on the rest of us. Now we all have to be compared to you because you tried to go above and beyond the call of duty. Maybe some time in jail doing NOTHING will be exactly what you need to start living up to your reputation in this society!
The whole thing is a scam and its waste of time and money. You have to drive, pay for parking, pay for gas, buy your own lunch, take a day off work...and at the end they give you a fucking $17 check. You think ANYBODY is going into this day with the right mind set? You think the people on trial are relieved knowing that they are at the mercy of a mid-week, mid-day American mindset? Aggravation like this is the reason that half these people are on trial anyway.
We are wasting our time filling the jails with victims of meaningless crimes. We should put these people to work as part of their sentence...get some use out of them! I'm pretty sure the roads could use a little touch-up work. These roads have more divots than a crystal meth addict's face! I can't be the only one that feels that for 4-dollars a gallon the roads should be made out of Angelina Jolie's vagina! Let's get these assholes out looking for oil in untapped areas....I know its got to be a lot cheaper to drill for oil than it is to bomb for it!
VC
Monday, April 21, 2008
People Who Need a Home Together
I complain a lot, I understand that...but when things week in and week out have you talking to yourself about their constant stupidity, how do you not vent that and share it with others? I'd rather be the voice than the ears! I've always been good at sharing too much and it doesn't stop here. Too many people each day are out there drawing attention to themselves in a negative way and it has to stop! Sick, Twisted and Tired of Being Fisted now moves onto "People That Need a Home Together"!
I hate anybody with a bad attitude towards customers after CHOOSING a shitty job. This includes tollbooth workers, the DMV hell pit, post office defects, and casino workers. Nobody made you work there...with your personality I'm surprised you aren't quitting your job to buy a piece of cardboard and a Sharpie. I'd rather donate you money knowing you're in your natural habitat...on the streets by yourself. Fuck off and smile for once...
Guys who count their drinks...Here's an idea...count your blowjobs! I bet that number is lower than your limp dick.
People who take forever in line at McDonalds...Fuck me! Folks, they haven't changed the menu in 30 fucking years. I don't trust anybody's driving decisions that can't choose a number in less than a minute. Get a burger, get a chicken, get fries, get a Diet Coke, and get the fuck out of the drive-thru.
People with a logical answer to a rhetorical complaint! You say "I don't know why this asshole is going so slow" and your friend says "he's probably got something in the trunk that he doesn't want broken if he speeds and hits a bump". Hey, anything can be made logical brainwave, but the complaining is what bonds us. Here's one…why didn't your mom have an abortion?
Teenage boys who think it's cool all of a sudden to not shower and look like an anorexic grease monkey. You've seen them...tight jeans, greasy black hair, shirts that barely fit, and pale skin. It's just a pre-pubescent cry for attention. And I say "cry" because that's what they do when they listen to music about how unfair of a world they live in. The only thing unfair is that they can't grow facial hair on that eclipse they call a face. The only time they ever used a razor was to slit their wrists...and it was a safety razor at that. That won't even leave a scar. I want to steal a pair of those shoes with the wheels in the heels, skitch on over and beat the shit out of them with their skateboard!
And finally....girls that wear pajama pants everywhere! Hey, listen Ms. "I don't know why guys won't respect me"...maybe if you didn't parade around town like you'd rather be in bed, every guy wouldn't try to fuck you! Respect for yourself equals respect from others. But until then, be prepared to be a lint-roller for scum bags cause you're gonna pick up all of 'em. You make your own bed...you gotta have a one-night stand in it!
Keep complaining…once you become complacent something will fuck it up!
VC
I hate anybody with a bad attitude towards customers after CHOOSING a shitty job. This includes tollbooth workers, the DMV hell pit, post office defects, and casino workers. Nobody made you work there...with your personality I'm surprised you aren't quitting your job to buy a piece of cardboard and a Sharpie. I'd rather donate you money knowing you're in your natural habitat...on the streets by yourself. Fuck off and smile for once...
Guys who count their drinks...Here's an idea...count your blowjobs! I bet that number is lower than your limp dick.
People who take forever in line at McDonalds...Fuck me! Folks, they haven't changed the menu in 30 fucking years. I don't trust anybody's driving decisions that can't choose a number in less than a minute. Get a burger, get a chicken, get fries, get a Diet Coke, and get the fuck out of the drive-thru.
People with a logical answer to a rhetorical complaint! You say "I don't know why this asshole is going so slow" and your friend says "he's probably got something in the trunk that he doesn't want broken if he speeds and hits a bump". Hey, anything can be made logical brainwave, but the complaining is what bonds us. Here's one…why didn't your mom have an abortion?
Teenage boys who think it's cool all of a sudden to not shower and look like an anorexic grease monkey. You've seen them...tight jeans, greasy black hair, shirts that barely fit, and pale skin. It's just a pre-pubescent cry for attention. And I say "cry" because that's what they do when they listen to music about how unfair of a world they live in. The only thing unfair is that they can't grow facial hair on that eclipse they call a face. The only time they ever used a razor was to slit their wrists...and it was a safety razor at that. That won't even leave a scar. I want to steal a pair of those shoes with the wheels in the heels, skitch on over and beat the shit out of them with their skateboard!
And finally....girls that wear pajama pants everywhere! Hey, listen Ms. "I don't know why guys won't respect me"...maybe if you didn't parade around town like you'd rather be in bed, every guy wouldn't try to fuck you! Respect for yourself equals respect from others. But until then, be prepared to be a lint-roller for scum bags cause you're gonna pick up all of 'em. You make your own bed...you gotta have a one-night stand in it!
Keep complaining…once you become complacent something will fuck it up!
VC
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Keep It To Yourself
Welcome to another Sick, Twisted, and Tired of Being Fisted! Let's get right into it here with the newest installment "Keep It To Yourself". We are talking about Religion this time. In the spirit of this blog you can stand up, sit down, and kneel throughout the course of it!
If we’re going to start picking on any religions then I prefer we start with mine…Catholic…the Guilty Pleasure. This is the religion where these poor kids get sent to Sunday school against their own wishes to begin with…only to be subjected to an old man in a Poncho who finds no shame in humming the Old Testament on some new Testicles. You don’t find God in someone else’s pants! Lead by example, if half of us would have kept it in our pants we wouldn’t be here early on a Sunday morning, praying to God we didn’t catch a 4-letter disease last night. It’s 8am on a Sunday, if I’m kneeling over anything it should be the toilet. Do you KNOW how hung over I am? I’m downin’ communion wine with 3 Tylenol trying to cure this headache, I just barfed a holy wafer….HOLY MY ASS! Speed this up, let’s all sing a few more songs that don’t rhyme and get the hell outta here already.
I believe in God and I believe in a religious perspective, but there are some parts that I find a little hard to believe. Proving your religion to others is the one that baffles me. No need for a Turban, Dot, Branding, Scar, Scab, or Sacrifice! We get it, you're religious, good for you...keep it to yourself and let me believe what I want! I'm Catholic and I don’t believe I have to put ashes on my head to symbolize that I acknowledge the start of lent. I get that we’ve started a period of time in which religion is even more publicly displayed, but that is no reason that I need to spend an entire night looking like I joined some sort of Charles Manson street gang. Furthermore, I don’t believe I need to come out of church holding a leaf for Palm Sunday. I understand that we have a one week grace period before Easter, but that doesn’t mean I need to walk around town carrying a leaf like a Hawaiian Hooker!
The list goes on. I don’t believe that Adam and Eve “eating the fruit” is what made us all self-conscience of our private parts and forcing the need to cover them up. I think it was the first time Adam saw Jamal! Jamal came over doing the 3-legged race by himself. That must have been embarrassing in the Garden of Eden...Adam walking around in a fig leaf, Jamal walking around with a Palm Leaf! Now I’m starting to understand Palm Sunday, it was all penis envy! Which only further proves why you should avoid Ash Wednesday! Because what they do is take the palm leaves from the year before and burn them and use the remains for the Ashes. So at best, even if you believe the religious hype, you’re still doing nothing more than walking around with Jamal’s dick dust on your head all day.
But nobody is out there celebrating Jamalism! That would definitely be a different kind of Religion - everybody would have to tie their dick in a cross, saying your "Hail Mary" and "Where's Our Father", 12 Apostles preaching how you have to Superman that Hoe! Peace be with you dawg!
Maybe it's better to let people believe what they want...after all, it's safer than trying to preach something based on your understanding of it! In the name of the father, the son, and Jamal's balls, Amen!
VC
www.vincecarone.com
If we’re going to start picking on any religions then I prefer we start with mine…Catholic…the Guilty Pleasure. This is the religion where these poor kids get sent to Sunday school against their own wishes to begin with…only to be subjected to an old man in a Poncho who finds no shame in humming the Old Testament on some new Testicles. You don’t find God in someone else’s pants! Lead by example, if half of us would have kept it in our pants we wouldn’t be here early on a Sunday morning, praying to God we didn’t catch a 4-letter disease last night. It’s 8am on a Sunday, if I’m kneeling over anything it should be the toilet. Do you KNOW how hung over I am? I’m downin’ communion wine with 3 Tylenol trying to cure this headache, I just barfed a holy wafer….HOLY MY ASS! Speed this up, let’s all sing a few more songs that don’t rhyme and get the hell outta here already.
I believe in God and I believe in a religious perspective, but there are some parts that I find a little hard to believe. Proving your religion to others is the one that baffles me. No need for a Turban, Dot, Branding, Scar, Scab, or Sacrifice! We get it, you're religious, good for you...keep it to yourself and let me believe what I want! I'm Catholic and I don’t believe I have to put ashes on my head to symbolize that I acknowledge the start of lent. I get that we’ve started a period of time in which religion is even more publicly displayed, but that is no reason that I need to spend an entire night looking like I joined some sort of Charles Manson street gang. Furthermore, I don’t believe I need to come out of church holding a leaf for Palm Sunday. I understand that we have a one week grace period before Easter, but that doesn’t mean I need to walk around town carrying a leaf like a Hawaiian Hooker!
The list goes on. I don’t believe that Adam and Eve “eating the fruit” is what made us all self-conscience of our private parts and forcing the need to cover them up. I think it was the first time Adam saw Jamal! Jamal came over doing the 3-legged race by himself. That must have been embarrassing in the Garden of Eden...Adam walking around in a fig leaf, Jamal walking around with a Palm Leaf! Now I’m starting to understand Palm Sunday, it was all penis envy! Which only further proves why you should avoid Ash Wednesday! Because what they do is take the palm leaves from the year before and burn them and use the remains for the Ashes. So at best, even if you believe the religious hype, you’re still doing nothing more than walking around with Jamal’s dick dust on your head all day.
But nobody is out there celebrating Jamalism! That would definitely be a different kind of Religion - everybody would have to tie their dick in a cross, saying your "Hail Mary" and "Where's Our Father", 12 Apostles preaching how you have to Superman that Hoe! Peace be with you dawg!
Maybe it's better to let people believe what they want...after all, it's safer than trying to preach something based on your understanding of it! In the name of the father, the son, and Jamal's balls, Amen!
VC
www.vincecarone.com
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I'm a Man of Ideas...Just Not the Right Ones!
When life hands you a lemon...be wary, ask questions, scrutinize that lemon...don't just accept it at face value and move on. It's time we be a little skeptical about things that are handed to us in life. We get dealt a lot of bullshit in life and once in a while we have to fold. Why do we just accept mediocrity and hypocrisies? Are we too lazy to question anything? The good news is I don't mind saying the things you don't want to say and I don't mind asking the questions you don't want to ask. VC has been doing a lot of observing lately and has a few things to add to the Sick, Twisted, and Tired of Being Fisted blog. This one is entitled "I'm a Man of Ideas - Just Not the Right Ones".
Why does Walgreens continue to be higher priced than every other store in the surrounding area? I blame myself for continuing to shop there...but they make it so easy to impulse buy, ESPECIALLY at the check-out counter! I'm standing in line with my 2 sticks of Deodorant for $9 (which shouldn't seem like a bargain, but it does) - and next thing I know I'm buying a vibrating pen, 6 lighters and a Cadbury Egg for no other reason except, they were there. I think the real reason they have all that shit in line at Walgreens is to keep you from focusing on the stuff that the other customers are purchasing in line. We all know that Walgreens is where we can pick up prescriptions and any last minute remedies for whatever new disease we think we might have. They figure if I start playing with the vibrating pen then I won't notice the guy next to me ringing up a 72oz bottle of Gay-Y Jelly and his anti-crotch pocks cream. Walgreens is a scamming shit-hole that I would boycott all together, but I can't because I never know when I'm gonna get the sudden urge to pick up 3 sweat-shirts for $10 and dissolving tablets for my typhoid fever (which is awkward cause I haven't played the Oregon Trail since I was 7).
Quick side note: Wouldn't it be awesome to put out a reality TV show based on the Oregon Trail? We get 4 families and they get a wagon, oxen, and 12 days to make it across the country. They have to shoot buffalo's to eat...but the producers also unload a shitload of rabbits that they will constantly miss with the bullets! Every 3 days we get someone from a 3rd-world country and let them lay all around the wagon to pass along a new disease that the family will have to outlast for the rest of the trip. I know I'd stay home to watch that over "I Love New York" - let that ugly bitch lead the wagon.
Finally - my last complaint of the week....I saw a package of condoms that said on it "For Her Pleasure"! Just how much can condoms fucking suck? It already feels like we're banging an ottoman, now we're going to continue to enhance HER half of this? Can we possibly make a condom for HIS pleasure? Excuse me for being selfish here...but FUCK! Having sex with a condom is like getting a birthday card without money...it's a nice gesture, unfortunately it doesn't do anything for us. Some condoms are made out of sheep skin...now, I've never fucked a sheep before, but if this condom is any prelude then I think I'd rather rub my pecker over sandpaper than hump into this hopeless sperm catcher. Everything about a condom is a turn off: the look, the smell, the disposal of it after you're done. I've never just been able to throw one in the garbage and I certainly don't feel like pigeon walking to the bathroom afterwards to flush it. 9 times out of 10 it ends up sitting on a table for a few hours or goes into a pop can that I had laying around. They should scrap the condom idea and come up with something new...like an electrical current that you can connect to your balls that detects when you are about to cum and fries all your sperm on the way out! If they can make dildo's with a V-8 Engine then why can't they come up with a better way to feel the love between two people on a drunken night!
Until next time...I'll obviously be masturbating...alone
VC
Why does Walgreens continue to be higher priced than every other store in the surrounding area? I blame myself for continuing to shop there...but they make it so easy to impulse buy, ESPECIALLY at the check-out counter! I'm standing in line with my 2 sticks of Deodorant for $9 (which shouldn't seem like a bargain, but it does) - and next thing I know I'm buying a vibrating pen, 6 lighters and a Cadbury Egg for no other reason except, they were there. I think the real reason they have all that shit in line at Walgreens is to keep you from focusing on the stuff that the other customers are purchasing in line. We all know that Walgreens is where we can pick up prescriptions and any last minute remedies for whatever new disease we think we might have. They figure if I start playing with the vibrating pen then I won't notice the guy next to me ringing up a 72oz bottle of Gay-Y Jelly and his anti-crotch pocks cream. Walgreens is a scamming shit-hole that I would boycott all together, but I can't because I never know when I'm gonna get the sudden urge to pick up 3 sweat-shirts for $10 and dissolving tablets for my typhoid fever (which is awkward cause I haven't played the Oregon Trail since I was 7).
Quick side note: Wouldn't it be awesome to put out a reality TV show based on the Oregon Trail? We get 4 families and they get a wagon, oxen, and 12 days to make it across the country. They have to shoot buffalo's to eat...but the producers also unload a shitload of rabbits that they will constantly miss with the bullets! Every 3 days we get someone from a 3rd-world country and let them lay all around the wagon to pass along a new disease that the family will have to outlast for the rest of the trip. I know I'd stay home to watch that over "I Love New York" - let that ugly bitch lead the wagon.
Finally - my last complaint of the week....I saw a package of condoms that said on it "For Her Pleasure"! Just how much can condoms fucking suck? It already feels like we're banging an ottoman, now we're going to continue to enhance HER half of this? Can we possibly make a condom for HIS pleasure? Excuse me for being selfish here...but FUCK! Having sex with a condom is like getting a birthday card without money...it's a nice gesture, unfortunately it doesn't do anything for us. Some condoms are made out of sheep skin...now, I've never fucked a sheep before, but if this condom is any prelude then I think I'd rather rub my pecker over sandpaper than hump into this hopeless sperm catcher. Everything about a condom is a turn off: the look, the smell, the disposal of it after you're done. I've never just been able to throw one in the garbage and I certainly don't feel like pigeon walking to the bathroom afterwards to flush it. 9 times out of 10 it ends up sitting on a table for a few hours or goes into a pop can that I had laying around. They should scrap the condom idea and come up with something new...like an electrical current that you can connect to your balls that detects when you are about to cum and fries all your sperm on the way out! If they can make dildo's with a V-8 Engine then why can't they come up with a better way to feel the love between two people on a drunken night!
Until next time...I'll obviously be masturbating...alone
VC
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Customer Disservice
I'd like to start out with a topic that really makes me want to work for the post office just so I can go postal....customer service. Or, as it should be called "Customer Disservice"! I can not stand how shitty the customer service is in this country. I'm talking about when they try to HELP you! That's the part that really makes me mad. I'm not in the store five fucking seconds yet and I've got seven people asking me what I'm looking for, what size do I need, what they can help me find, if I need anything special, if I'd like to sign up for Direct TV! LET ME BROWSE! That's the fun of shopping is to go out and look for stuff yourself and try to convince yourself to buy it. I don't need 52-year old, Skanky Marie hounding me the second I walk through the door just because she gets a commission. "CAN I HELP YOU?" Yes, you can go tell your boss that the reason I am leaving your store is because you're ugly and over-bearing! I came out today to escape my life and look to walk around Best Buy contemplating what my next major purchase would be...but because you are a relentless crotch weasel, I will be taking my business to a different establishment! Who am I kidding, it will probably just a Best Buy in another area. Cause I NEED Best Buy, I can't write them off completely. They hook me with that rewards-zone program. You know that program where if you spend $8000 you get a $5 gift card....that's a great deal! We convince ourselves that these are great deals...it's like when you go to Vegas and spend $36.50 on a drink but you get to KEEP the cup! Then you look like an asshole carrying a 3-ft cup with you everywhere you go!
Outsourcing!!! Companies are trying to save money by laying off the Americans and sending THEIR work overseas to be done by countries we aren't even getting along with. Everything goes to India or to the Arabs! This idea is a turd that splatters when it hits the water. I know that I am not the only one that is getting sick of calling customer service and hearing "Press One for English". You press one and what do you hear??? Makmood Allybooba Ahmed Bin Quasar answering the phone in an Indian accent! Look, I pressed one, not 7-11...how the fuck did I get you on the phone? Don't you camelshit a bullshitter! Learn to speak the language and slow the fuck down when you talk. Why do you need a motor tongue anyway, you don't even let your women keep their private parts??? The only way to get somebody that speaks English when you call customer service now is to press 2 for Spanish. Because then you get a bilingual white person on the phone. This dyslexic is so country! I'm waiting for the day that they start playing music when they put me on hold. That's all I need to hear is the first all Arab boy band group "N'Sand"...with their first hit single "Allah must've spent a little more time on you!" Time to Barack O-Bomb them!
Let's do this dance!
VC
Outsourcing!!! Companies are trying to save money by laying off the Americans and sending THEIR work overseas to be done by countries we aren't even getting along with. Everything goes to India or to the Arabs! This idea is a turd that splatters when it hits the water. I know that I am not the only one that is getting sick of calling customer service and hearing "Press One for English". You press one and what do you hear??? Makmood Allybooba Ahmed Bin Quasar answering the phone in an Indian accent! Look, I pressed one, not 7-11...how the fuck did I get you on the phone? Don't you camelshit a bullshitter! Learn to speak the language and slow the fuck down when you talk. Why do you need a motor tongue anyway, you don't even let your women keep their private parts??? The only way to get somebody that speaks English when you call customer service now is to press 2 for Spanish. Because then you get a bilingual white person on the phone. This dyslexic is so country! I'm waiting for the day that they start playing music when they put me on hold. That's all I need to hear is the first all Arab boy band group "N'Sand"...with their first hit single "Allah must've spent a little more time on you!" Time to Barack O-Bomb them!
Let's do this dance!
VC
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
